My Story

PLEASE HELP. I HAVE MADE A SERIES OF HORRIFIC, LIFE-ALTERING MISTAKES.

Some people take up running because they love it. Some do it for fitness. Others enjoy the thrill of pushing their limits. I, however, am running the Manchester Marathon because I am a fool. A buffoon. A clown in ill-fitting trainers.

This was never meant to happen. I originally thought, “Maybe I’ll run the Manchester Half!” That would have been sensible. Reasonable. But when I checked, sign-ups had closed. At that point, a rational human being would have said, “Oh well, maybe next year!”

I am not a rational human being.

Instead, I thought: “How bad could the full marathon be?”

How bad? HOW BAD? Let me tell you.

A Catalogue of My Regrets:

🏃‍♂️ Before August 2024, I hadn’t run properly in five years. In that time, my fitness level could best be described as “prone to collapsing if the WiFi router is too far away.”

🏃‍♂️ I ran a brutally hilly village half marathon in a fasted state. At the finish line, I was so delirious that I attempted to drink a Mars bar and eat a bottle of water.

🏃‍♂️ I have learned that my knees hate me. My knees are staging a full-scale rebellion. My joints are actively trying to secede from the rest of my body.

🏃‍♂️ Chafing is not a joke. Chafing is real. Chafing is coming for us all. Chafing does not care about your hopes, your dreams, or the fact that you once believed in joy.

🏃‍♂️ The long run madness has begun. The other day, I caught myself arguing out loud with my own feet at Mile 15. I lost.

And yet, despite all this, I am dragging my carcass through 26.2 miles of pure suffering for a genuinely good cause: Samaritans.

I’ve been training as a listening volunteer since October, and I know how vital their support is. They’re there, day and night, for people who have nowhere else to turn. Every £5 donated could help answer a call that could literally save a life. And since I am already experiencing a slow and painful demise, why not make it worth something?

So, I am asking you, begging you, to donate. If not for charity, then at least for the sheer schadenfreude of watching a very tired idiot willingly subject himself to FOUR HOURS OF UNRELENTING SUFFERING.

My fundraising target is £1000, because, let’s face it, if I can run a marathon, anything is possible.

💸 Donate today.

🤡 Witness my downfall.

🎭 Let my suffering serve a higher purpose.

Thank you. I love you all. Send help.